JustLive! http://justlive.posterous.com Most recent posts at JustLive! posterous.com Tue, 19 Apr 2011 07:55:00 -0700 A Thank You Note from Justin's mom http://justlive.posterous.com/a-thank-you-note-from-justins-mom http://justlive.posterous.com/a-thank-you-note-from-justins-mom

Thank you all for your show of love and support in memory of Justin. Creative energy and spirituality permeated both memorial services organized by his friends and family in New York and Hongkong, reflecting the depth and breadth of Justin's connections with his world. The large canvas with farewell messages was interred with Justin's ashes at the Yuen's family grave.

To those of you who had not known Justin personally but had participated in various events organized by his friends, such as those through Journey for Justin, I thank you for your generosity. Please be assured that your contributions went either towards his medical costs or to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Caner Center in his memory; a small portion might be used to ensure the completion of his last project, FamilyLounger, an easy communication forum for cancer patients and their loved ones. A body of Justin's works can be found on www.jyuenjyuen.com

As Justin would certainly have asked, what have I learned from this surreal experience? I now have my answer, that our lives are only as good as the quality of the community we will leave behind. From meeting many of Justin's friends these past months, I can conclude that his was indeed a pretty good life.

Please feel free to respond to the posts and to each other. You are the true legacy of Justin's life. I will continue to monitor the Justlive site as long as I find it uncorrupted by spoofs or spams.

 Posted by Margaret (Justin's mom) with much gratitude

 

 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sun, 06 Mar 2011 18:28:00 -0800 Gather In Memory of Justin http://justlive.posterous.com/gather-in-memory-of-justin http://justlive.posterous.com/gather-in-memory-of-justin
March 12: New York
March 19: Hongkong

Justin wanted a party to celebrate life, in the same space that previously accommodated the heart warming fundraiser on his behalf. On Saturday, March 12, from 4 to 6 pm, we will gather at Salt Space, 1158 Broadway, 5th Floor, Manhattan, New York, to remember him. Lift your voice. Play your instrument. Share your special memory. Command the presence of the positive energy Justin left behind.

The memorial service for friends and family in Hongkong will take place at 11:00am on March 19, at St. John's Cathedral, Garden Road, Hongkong.

In lieu of flowers, donations in memory of Justin can be made to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, P.O. Box 27106, New York, NY, and will be designated for the Music Therapy Program in his name.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Fri, 04 Mar 2011 13:11:00 -0800 Time, Tea, and My Guitar http://justlive.posterous.com/time-tea-and-my-guitar http://justlive.posterous.com/time-tea-and-my-guitar
time,_tea_&_my_guitar.aif Listen on Posterous
Justin was writing a song, inspired by the generous gifts of time, tea, and a guitar from Paul McCartney, with whom a meeting was arranged by the Dream Team of Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital. The thank-you song was nearly complete when Justin's lungs began to fail. At 9:30am, March 4, 2011, he left this earth to live only in the world of our hearts and dreams.
A memorial gathering will take place on Saturday, March 12, in Manhattan, followed by one in Hong Kong. Please check back here for future details of both.  

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen - Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:30:00 -0800 The Plot Thickens http://justlive.posterous.com/the-plot-thickens http://justlive.posterous.com/the-plot-thickens
The_plot_thickens
I thought I was in the clear, but just as I turned the corner, I was ambushed by the most dreadful of realizations: I had lost one of my most trusted companions - one that had seen me through horrible times, always by my side. But most often, on my head. My green fleece hat had gone missing!

Okay, that's not really what thickened the plot, but I must admit that for a time, I was very distraught by the loss of my fuzzy friend. Luckily, later that evening, one of the MSKCC workers found my hat near the elevators, and stored it in a nice protective biohazard bag for me to pick up upon my next visit.

The real plot thickening followed a lengthy day of doctor's appointments in preparation for my bone marrow transplant. Everything was ready. I had passed the echocardiographic stress and pulmonary function tests, and my blood counts were good. A treatment plan was in place, consisting of chemotherapy, radiation treatment, and double cord blood units (extracted from a baby's umbilical cord). It was decided to use cord blood rather than the found 9 of 10 HLA match, as this donor was willing to donate via peripheral blood only. I don't blame him, given the medical field's unfortunate assignment of the term "bone marrow harvest" to its alternative method, which evokes imagery of a dark, hooded fellow wielding a scythe (from what I understand, the bone marrow harvest procedure is a relatively mild affair). This term is rivaled only by the name of the procedure I underwent today: the "lumbar puncture", more endearingly referred to as the "spinal tap". Despite the harshness of the medical nomenclature, the procedure was completely painless. What was most unpleasant about it was the information it yielded.

The end of the day was approaching. Having finished signing three copies of the bone marrow transplant consent form, I was - along with those working in the clinic - ready to head home. But just as the day seemed over, the nurse told me to stand by for an unscheduled visit with my doctor, whose first words upon entering the consultation room were "We have a problem." Unfortunately, abnormal cells were found in my spinal fluid. This condition is prohibitive of a bone marrow transplant, and raises the danger that my cancer has affected my central nervous system. Early tomorrow morning, I will visit to the hospital again for an MRI of my brain and spine, which will be accompanied by tests of my blood and spinal fluid to determine just what type of cancer has pried its way into my backbone.

A funny thing I noticed today is that I was truly more shocked and disturbed by the loss of my hat than the news threatening the loss of my life. While I had become very familiar with the threat of losing my life, I had not yet pondered that of losing my hat. Apparently, learning not to take life and people for granted has not trickled its way down to the smaller things in life. I suppose there is still more for me to learn from this experience; perhaps this is the reason it has been prolonged.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Thu, 03 Feb 2011 20:56:00 -0800 Smart Cookie http://justlive.posterous.com/smart-cookie http://justlive.posterous.com/smart-cookie

Smart_cookie
We ordered take-out Chinese tonight in celebration of the Chinese New Year. The food was tasty, though for me, the highlight of the meal was neither the rice nor the dumplings; it was the uncannily appropriate teaching of a fortune cookie.

On one side of the slip of paper within:

"LEARN CHINESE - To wait
(deng)"

On the other:
"Faithless is he who quits when the road darkens"

Earlier in the day, I had read up on the myriad physical and psychological challenges of a bone marrow transplant. This gauntlet of risks and side-effects will likely be longer and potentially more trying than what I have been through thus far. I have no fear, though, as I charge ahead armed with the wisdom of tonight's dessert.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:25:00 -0800 Bunnyear http://justlive.posterous.com/bunnyear http://justlive.posterous.com/bunnyear

Bunnyear
2010, the year of the tiger, mauled, clawed, dragged me between places of discomfort and places of pain.

2011 marks the arrival of the far gentler rabbit, whose amicable demeanor I most welcome. A painless bone marrow biopsy brought the comforting news of my leukemia being in remission. The surgical removal of the port implanted in my chest, refreshingly uneventful. Perhaps a warmer, softer, more docile year is to come.

May the cottony little creature treat you all very well. Happy Chinese New Year!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sun, 30 Jan 2011 18:04:00 -0800 Hidden Scars http://justlive.posterous.com/hidden-scars http://justlive.posterous.com/hidden-scars

Hidden_scars
To be discharged directly from the ICU is an unusual occurrence. For a week, I had been in too good a condition to be there, but with no beds available on the leukemia floor, there I stayed, waiting. My blood counts gradually rose. The available bed count did not. Without reason for remaining in the ICU, and no bed, it was time for me to go home. I was released from my unwieldy tether of tubes and wires, free to walk as far as I pleased in any direction, free to rediscover the world outside the hospital.

Through the window of the taxi, everything was strangely new to me. The vast expanse of snow-covered trees and benches in Central Park contrasted so greatly with the crowded landscape of IV poles and stretchers to which I had become accustomed. I saw fashionable coats and boots in place of hospital gowns and non-slip socks, heard car horns and chatting couples rather than the beeps of medical devices and the subdued discussions of doctors.

It seemed at first that the hospital had become my home and my home had become a foreign place. Upon revisiting the hospital two days later for a follow-up appointment, I found that it wasn't just the outside world that had changed. The hospital with which I had become acquainted was seen from a wheelchair, stretcher, or hunched over the handle of an IV pole. Time and distances seemed unbearably long. Elevators crawled, and hallways were endless.

But on this visit, I walked upright, wearing outdoor clothes and shoes. The elevator was just a short distance from the building entrance, the ride up to the fourth floor was brief. Along the way, I saw the tops of people's heads rather than undersides of chins. I was no longer an inhabitant of this place, but a visitor passing through. There were other former in-patients seated in the clinic lobby whom I recognized from the leukemia floor on which I had stayed. They had also exchanged their hospital gowns for winter coats and scarves, wholly indistinguishable as cancer patients, and would soon leave the building to blend in with the rest of the people walking the streets outside.

It is rarely evident on the surface all that a person has gone through in life. The scars on my body have all become hidden from view beneath layers of winter clothes. I have lived a healthy life, experienced the deterioration and weakness that old age brings, been near death. Now, I feel reborn, gaining strength, relearning how to walk, to eat, to be independent. The newness of the world around me is a great thing. I have been given a second life, a second chance to readily absorb my surroundings, to learn new things, only I can still recall all I have learned from my previous life. I am grateful for this, for it has given me both a new understanding of people, as well as a renewed sense of purpose, an urge to use all that I have been given to give back to the world.

Tomorrow, I will return to the hospital for a bone marrow biopsy and CT scan, the results of which will determine whether a bone marrow transplant is possible. No matter the outcome, I am glad to be feeling well at the moment, and immeasurably thankful for being given the strength and support to endure a journey more arduous than I could have imagined.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Wed, 19 Jan 2011 23:35:00 -0800 Less Energy, More Wisdom http://justlive.posterous.com/less-energy-more-wisdom http://justlive.posterous.com/less-energy-more-wisdom

Less_energy_more_wisdom
Friday morning, I stood up to have my weight taken. My vision blackened. My sense of balance faltered. Could I just be exhausted, having spent the majority of the day prior practicing the guitar? Perhaps my red blood cell count had dropped due to my last round of chemotherapy. My blood pressure indicated a different problem. An EKG and ultrasound later, it was determined that fluid had built up in my pericardium, the sac containing the heart, impairing my heart function. Interventional Radiology drained nearly a liter of fluid from around my heart, left a chest drainage tube, and sent me to the ICU to be monitored. While there, some late effects of the last round of chemotherapy arose; my appetite, hair and energy all left me at once.

I have observed that when I am feeling energetic and well, I spend the majority of my energy getting work done and enjoying myself. This activity-focused behavior leads to an accumulation of experience and knowledge, but not understanding. In contrast, during times of sickness, while I have little energy, I tend to use every bit of it in contemplation, taking nothing for granted. It has been during these times in which I have gained the most wisdom in life.

As I find myself on the way to recovery once again, I question, once I have fully recovered from my sickness and find myself with ample energy, how and whether I will remember to take nothing for granted.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sun, 09 Jan 2011 05:40:00 -0800 Dedicated To You http://justlive.posterous.com/dedicated-to-you http://justlive.posterous.com/dedicated-to-you

Dedicated_to_you
With my gradually increasing energy level, I've started designing and programming FamilyLounger.com. It will be a website consisting of super easy-to-use tools to help patients and their loved ones through tough times. This project is dedicated to all of you who have helped me in more ways than you can imagine.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sun, 09 Jan 2011 03:24:00 -0800 Small Talk http://justlive.posterous.com/small-talk http://justlive.posterous.com/small-talk

Small_talk
Having recovered from a fourth round of chemotherapy and another bout of pneumonia, I'm starting to taste a bit of normal life. But there are always the funny little things that remind me I'm still leading the hospital lifestyle.

Take my recent conversation with my nurse, for example:

Nurse: "Hi! How are you doing?"
Me: "Good. How are you?"
Nurse "Great!"
Me [remembering seeing my nurse many times over the past week]: "How many days a week do you work?"
Nurse: "We don't do days per week - we do days per month" [The conversation continues... Skip forward,,,]
Me: "How far from work do you live?"
Nurse: "Not too far. Downtown."
Me: "So how long does it take you to get to work?"
Nurse: "About twenty to forty minutes. So have you moved your bowels today?"

Yep, that's part of the everyday chitchat here in the hospital. Imagine asking that question in the office...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sun, 26 Dec 2010 23:05:00 -0800 Weathering The Storm http://justlive.posterous.com/weathering-the-storm http://justlive.posterous.com/weathering-the-storm

Weathering_the_storm
A cruel blizzard hammers the city tonight, leaving it frozen, flattened to a lonesome standstill. Delayed buses, canceled flights, desolate streets rendered useless, people stranded. Businesses left without customers. People without visitors. As the relentless storm rages on, I will be readmitted to the hospital to undergo my next round of chemotherapy. Powerful drugs will besiege my fragile cells, ravaging my body's defenses, stripping its ability to heal, leaving me unfit to see my friends. My appetite will be destroyed, my energy drained, my spirit dampened.

Tonight, a pure white snowfall blankets the city, giving life to soft halos around Christmas-lit trees, providing feathery sidewalks for children to sweep snow angels into. People are enticed by the comforting warmth of home, brought together to share hearty meals and cheerful melodies. In this cozy time of year, I will enter the hospital to be healed, to be given more opportunity to gain both strength and wisdom. I will cherish life anew, and will, through fond memories, relive the most joyous occasions. I will smile and be thankful for life, for my family and friends. I will be reminded of what matters most and will witness sublime examples of human love and kindness.

In time, this terrible, wonderful winter will end. Spring will come, and with the trees, I will recover.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Fri, 24 Dec 2010 21:03:00 -0800 Tis The Season http://justlive.posterous.com/tis-the-season http://justlive.posterous.com/tis-the-season

Tis_the_season
During this festive time of year, I am ecstatic to be in a relatively healthy state and have so much to celebrate. Having received a truly miraculous amount of kindness, support, and care, I know I've been given the best gift of all. To my family, friends, all those who have taken care of me, and everybody else out there, keep warm and have an especially happy holiday!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sat, 18 Dec 2010 16:18:00 -0800 A Warm Night in Cold Manhattan http://justlive.posterous.com/a-warm-night-in-cold-manhattan http://justlive.posterous.com/a-warm-night-in-cold-manhattan

A_warm_night_in_cold_manhattan
Last night, I ventured out to an art auction event my friends organized. Outside, it was cold. Hailing a taxi going downtown proved to be unusually challenging, and the time waiting sent shivers throughout my thinly shielded bones.

Luckily, the event was the polar opposite. In the gallery space, a golden wooden floor and white walls were adorned by a kaleidoscopic arrangement of unique artwork, illuminated not just by the radiant lighting above, but by all the people meeting, smiling, laughing, and dancing as the jazz band played. Friends I hadn't seen for years, friends I'd lost in touch with, caring people whom I met for the first time that night all came to say hello.

Needless to say, when it came time to say goodbye, I was exhausted (still lacking in the stamina department), though I would hardly characterize my departure as lethargic. I left happily humming Blue Monk (a jazz standard the band had done a phenomenal job playing) as I thought of all my friends, and friends of friends I got the chance to meet that night.

Since this challenging, but positively life-changing journey began, I have been constantly overwhelmed by kindness. I owe a belated, immense special thanks to my friends who supported me by organizing events in Hong Kong and San Francisco, which not only helped me get this far, but also brought joy to all those who attended. It is truly heartening to know how much positivity has sprung from this initially seemingly negative situation.

My friends, family, and of you at Hartford Hospital and Memorial Sloan Kettering, you've all saved my life twofold; I'm breathing and living, but more importantly, I understand what true kindness is, and that it is really the most important thing in life. I can't do enough to thank all of you right now. The best I can do is to amplify the immense kindness you've poured into supporting me. With my renewed energy, I've started work on a web application (I'm a designer / computer programmer) aimed at helping patients, families, and friends stick together through long-term illnesses. I'm dedicating this effort to all of you. Hopefully, with a little work, I'll be able to pass your kindness and inspiration on to people everywhere.

Thank you everybody!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:29:00 -0800 Will Work For Bone Marrow http://justlive.posterous.com/will-work-for-bone-marrow http://justlive.posterous.com/will-work-for-bone-marrow
Will_work_for_bone_marrow
Asking for help from other people for survival is a new experience for me (the most I usually ask from other people is a bite of a snack or to borrow a pen). Thanks to everybody who has helped spread the word of my need for marrow / joined the registry! I still haven't gotten the results of whether my sister is a match - will let you know as soon as I do. 

Kaori registered at a bone marrow drive in NYC a few days ago and fortunately, found that the process was pleasantly simple and painless. Registering and testing for donating bone marrow only requires a simple swab of the mouth (http://www.marrow.org/JOIN/Join_Now/join_now.html). Even the donation process, in the case that you're a match, may only require giving blood (search PBSC: http://www.marrow.org/JOIN/FAQs_about_Joining_the_Registry/index.html).

Also, I realized that when I created this blog, I neglected to add my email address to my profile on this blog, and a lot of you don't have it. So, here it is (It's in an image to prevent spam emails):

Looking forward to getting back in touch with all of you!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Fri, 10 Dec 2010 19:52:00 -0800 In Need of a Match http://justlive.posterous.com/in-need-of-a-match http://justlive.posterous.com/in-need-of-a-match

In_need_of_a_match
Hi all - I need to ask for your help. Now that the tumor has been removed from my chest, the next vital stage of my treatment will target my leukemia. I will need a bone marrow transplant, and in order to do so, I will need a matching bone marrow donor. My sister is the most likely to be a match, but there is only a 1-in-4 chance that she will be. 

I know I am asking a big favor, but if you are willing, please sign up for your country's bone marrow registry! It is most likely that a person of Chinese descent will be a match, so my friends in Asia, please help!

Signing up for the registry will mean that if your HLA type matches another patient in need of a donor, you may be asked to donate. You always have the right to refuse, but why not help another person in need? Again, I know it's a lot to ask, but I need your marrow :)

Thanks to all who do join the registry. And to those that don't, I understand - donating blood is not for everybody!

Crossing my fingers that they can find a match for me...

For those in the U.S: http://www.marrow.org/
In other countries (a list of international bone marrow registries): http://helpingtami.org/asian_stem_cell_transplant_int_marrow_programs.html#hongkong

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Thu, 09 Dec 2010 15:57:00 -0800 Belated Thanksgiving http://justlive.posterous.com/belated-thanksgiving http://justlive.posterous.com/belated-thanksgiving
Belated_thanksgiving
I am grateful to be alive, and to be feeling strong again. I've undergone an amazing surgery and recovery. The tumor that was removed from my chest was roughly the size of my head, and looked a lot like an uncooked turkey - a little late for thanksgiving. It's really hard to comprehend how this tumor, along with a couple liters of bloody fluid could fit into my chest cavity, and even harder to comprehend how I survived with it there.

In the three days prior to surgery, I was unable to sleep at all because reclining or leaning on my side would render me unable to breath, or set my heart off pounding at a dangerously rapid rate. I managed to doze off in 15 minute intervals leaning forward on a pile of stacked pillows, but this hardly gave me the comfort I was looking for.

One day out of surgery, I was in the ICU, and they promptly had me sitting upright and walking. Two days out of surgery, I was walking faster and further than I ever could in the past three months. My breathing has steadily improved, and my muscles, without that resource-hogging tumor, seem to finally be repairing themselves.

My cancer is far from being gone, and there's still a lot of treatment required, but having this tumor off my chest will certainly be helpful!

I give my deepest thanks to all who have taken care of me and carried me through to today.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Tue, 30 Nov 2010 15:50:00 -0800 Faith and Positivity http://justlive.posterous.com/faith-and-positivity http://justlive.posterous.com/faith-and-positivity

Faith_and_positivity
I am now in New York's Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center awaiting a major surgery to remove the tumor in my chest. The operation  has many risks, one of which is the worst imaginable. I have faith that everything will go well. Just in case, though, I want everybody to remember that any negative situation can be turned around to yield something even more positive. The triumph of overcoming a tough situation is more positively powerful than the negativity of the tough situation. So, no matter what happens, always keep your eyes focused on discovering or creating the positive.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Sat, 20 Nov 2010 19:25:00 -0800 Music and Laughter http://justlive.posterous.com/music-and-laughter http://justlive.posterous.com/music-and-laughter

Music_and_laughter
Sami arrived yesterday. She brought bagels from New York. She also brought her love for music. I asked her to play the guitar that has been sitting unused in my home for a while, and so she did. I had tried to play that guitar it a couple weeks prior, but my numb left hand would not afford me enough strength to play a simple chord.

Today, I asked Sami to hand me the guitar, inspired by her playing and singing "Leaving On A Jet Plane". Something magical happened. My hand had regained its strength; I could play the simple series of chords to accompany the melody. In time, I discovered that my lungs had regained my strength too, as I began to learn how to sing the popular tune. (I had never really tried singing in earnest before).

I stayed up for a long time, singing and playing, smiling and laughing. After Sami left, Kaori and I started putting together an iTunes playlist of all our favorite music, and we spent the rest of the day listening to it. Now I'm exhausted. Today was a great day.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Wed, 10 Nov 2010 10:14:00 -0800 A Fragile Attitude http://justlive.posterous.com/a-fragile-attitude http://justlive.posterous.com/a-fragile-attitude
A_fragile_attitude
I haven't written a blog post in a while because I've really let my attitude slip up a bit lately.

This last round of chemo has been a psychological struggle. Now that I have a perspective of life at home vs. life at the hospital, I've suffered a frenzied feeling of restlessness due to the fact that I haven't been in control of my time  the majority of the day. Even normally relaxing/entertaining activities became stressful, and the mere act of listening to  person speak would set me off on a grumpy fit of complaints. I don't know why I became unable to control my mood, but it was difficult. I was unable to sleep soundly at night, which upsets me most since that means I kept my Mom from doing the same - she's still stuck by my side every night. The worst thing of all - but also the best, as you'll see -  is that I was AWARE that I had lost grip of my positive attitude.

Through all this, there is one positive lesson that I've learned, and one thing that I did right. What I learned is that it is not really realistic, and maybe not possible to ALWAYS maintain a positive attitude at all times. The best we can do sometimes is to be aware of the state of our minds so that at least we can communicate to others that we are not in the best of moods. By apologizing to my caretakers as I rudely cut them off, letting them know that I'm just grumpy because I wasn't able to get comfortable, I let them know that the problem was me, not them. So, nobody was left offended or with the feeling that they had done anything wrong. Just me - I knew that I wasn't in my normal state of mind. Everybody seemed to understand, and we all made it through alright.

Now, I still haven't returned to my normal state of mind, but at least something useful came out of it. The lesson here - be aware of why you feel the way you do, and let people know why you may not be reacting normally to things. I apologize to all of you for a slightly less positive post! Perhaps that's the thread that will pull me back to my normal attitude. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen Fri, 05 Nov 2010 08:40:00 -0700 It's In The Blood http://justlive.posterous.com/its-in-the-blood http://justlive.posterous.com/its-in-the-blood

Its_in_the_blood
My nurse pointed out today that my blood type matches my attitude: B Positive! 

Ha!

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/718864/JYuenJYuen_Logo_100829_RDB_001_150x150.png http://posterous.com/users/3syaW6gB66GZ Justin Yuen jyuen Justin Yuen